1. You’ll realise that all of those ridiculously expensive, all-white, hand-knitted baby clothes you bought were a huge mistake, and you’ll start shopping at Kmart ASAP.
2. You will get so used to being chucked up on that you’ll no longer change out of dirty clothes. Pass the wet wipes.
3. You’ll go on a spending spree because you can see your toes again. Yay for toes!
4. You’ll get horribly drunk cos you’re not match-fit anymore. (Don’t worry, you’ll get there!)
5. You’ll be on a first-name basis with the likes of Tizzie, Gina and Pinky.
6. You’ll become so obsessed that you could teach the Wonder Weeks at university level.
7. At some point, your baby will put another baby’s Sophie the Giraffe in her mouth. And at a certain point, you will no longer care.
8. You’ll be very, very grateful for the whole sport luxe trend that’s going on right now. Leggings and hoodies and sweatshirts for all!
9. Your days will be so same-same that the arrival of the mailman will sometimes be the highlight.
10. “Teething” will become your answer for everything. Baby’s not sleeping? Teething. Baby’s not eating? Teething. Kanye’s fighting with Taylor again? Probably teething.
11. You’ll imagine – just briefly – what it might be like to stab people who ask you if your baby is sleeping through the night yet.
12. Also people who ask when you’re going to have another baby.
13. Also people who ask why you’re not breastfeeding.
14. If you are breastfeeding, you’ll want to continue forever because #bestdietintheworld.
15. After a while, it’ll be so normal to see a golf ball-sized chunk of hair on your pillow that you start to wonder if you should be keeping them to make a wig for your bald father-in-law.
16. Your boobs will, occasionally, start to leak when a baby cries. Not always your own baby, either.
17. You’ll long for the day when your baby says “Mummy.” And then you will wonder why you ever did, because now he can shout that out in the middle of the night.
18. It will take you approximately 37 minutes to leave the house. Even if it’s just to pop down to the shops for a bottle of milk.
19. You’ll realise that, in every mother’s group, there is a weirdo. And that’s OK. We’re all snowflakes, after all. (You’ll also realise that, if you can’t locate the weirdo, it is probably you.)
20. You are no longer on speaking terms with modesty, especially when it comes to stuff like breastfeeding and expressing. You could be accepting a Grammy while expressing. You could be speaking at the UN and expressing. You could be on a date with Chris Hemsworth and expressing. It doesn’t matter.
21. You will hear all sorts of stupid sh*t about babies. “If a baby has a fever, rub it down with alcohol.” (WHAT?) “Get your baby to take a bottle by coating it with sugar.” (NO, DON’T.) “Don’t let your baby stare into the sun or they’ll go blind.” (NO, THAT IS MASTURBATING).
22. You will Google every “symptom” your baby has. And then you will immediately regret it.
23. You will realise you did not do enough Kegels.
24. You’ll realise, with some alarm, that you are no longer the person playing loud music and drinking until 2am. Now, you are the person calling the police on the neighbours who play loud music and drink until 2am.
25. You’ll wonder why stay-at-home mums don’t rule the world, because you should see the sh*t we can get done during naptime.